Ask the Experts

How many times a day should i sanitise my hands?

There have been some very rare cases of people getting a rash or suffering a burning sensation if they sanitise their hands for more than the recommended four-times hourly guidelines. Luckily the coronavirus vaccines are proven to be safe and effective and will reduce the risk of your being hospitalised with a serious case by as much as 33%.

Is it true that pets can harbour serious diseases like the cronyvirus and if so what should i do?

There have been some very rare cases of animals testing positive for Covers-Arse-2 and, sadly, the only sensible course of action is to hand your pet in for humane execution. Remember to wrap kitty in a black bin bag to reduce the risk of transmission. We advise that you self-isolate for ten days thereafter and then book a test yourself and follow the advice you’re given. Recent research shows that the coronavirus vaccines are free of charge, safe, and could reduce the risk of your being hospitalised with a serious case by as much as one third.

Are cheap electronic products from China a possible risk?

There is no evidence to suggest that you could catch germs off your phone, iPad, or telly.

A study published by Dr Mike Yeadon suggested that wellbeing could be optimised by taking regular breaks from rolling news broadcasts. But this was NOT peer-reviewed and has been comprehensively debunked.

Keeping your set tuned to BBC News 24 will maintain a safe operating temperature and will make sure that you don’t miss any important Government announcements about when and where to wear your face coverings.

Coronavirus vaccines have passed all emergency tests of safety and are proven to reduce the risk of hay fever symptoms by as much as 93%. But don’t delay because stocks are running low.

I saw this thing on Telegram saying there’ll be another lockdown soon? Should I buy some spare toilet rolls?

It’s always best to get your news from trusted fact-checked sources like Facebook or Twitter, to reduce the risk of being exposed to online harms by conspiracy theorists, Right Said Fred, and Beverley Turner.

Having some spare non-perishable foodstuffs about the house is never imprudent, in case the EU start another trade war or the groceries deliveries boat gets stuck in the Suez Canal.

Projections by Professor Ian Ferguson do indicate the possibility of widespread excess mortality with troops clearing the cadavers using flame throwers in the second quarter of the year.

Our wise Government have made sure that an adequate stock of thoroughly tested Coronavirus vaccines have been set aside in their cousin’s warehouses in case of a sudden rush to get jabbed by the last few percent of hesitant citizens.

Booking an appointment now may be wise in case Arctic conditions in February lead to another period of Zoom only cancer advice services.